Dear Graham

Dear Graham, 

Where do I even begin? I've dreamed of being a momma for as long as I can remember and you, my sweet boy, have made me just that. 

When your dad and I found out you were on the way I just knew you were going to be a boy. We wondered what you would look like (I secretly hoped it was me :) ), if you would be strong willed like your mom or an easy going guy like your dad. And before we knew it, here you were. 

In the past few weeks that you've been here, I have stared at every one of your features hoping to memorize each eyelash, elbow wrinkle and that sweet baby smell.  Call me a crazy mom, but I know that in the blink of an eye we will be sending your to kindergarten and then college. Time has seemed to fly by already and unfortunately, I know these precious days will not be around for long. 

 It has brought me more joy than I could have ever imagined to watch your daddy with you. One of his favorite things is the way you stretch when you wake up. I love watching him talk to you and he even started a prayer journal that will one day be yours. 

As for me, you have changed my life in so many ways. Before you were born I thought I had some idea of what being a mom would be like. I was so wrong. 

My heart was not prepared for the love that I would have for you. I want to be the best that I can be all for you. And I find myself constantly in prayer for you. 

I pray that you would have godly friends and adult examples. I pray for your dad and I to have wisdom to raise you to be a respectful, kind, Jesus loving boy. I pray for the woman that will one day become your wife. But most of all, I pray that you would love and seek Him with all of your heart. 

How lucky we are to have you as our son, Graham. We love you more than you could ever imagine.

Always, 

Momma 

Tomorrow...

So tomorrow is the day when Ryan and I find out if our baby is a he or she. 

And I am a ball of nerves. 

Of course, I'm thrilled. So much so that I can't go more than 3 or 4 minutes without thinking about that exciting moment when the doctor says, "It's a _____!" I have been dreaming (literally) about this for several weeks and as the hours tick down the anticipation builds. 

But with that excitement comes worry. 

Not only will we be finding out the gender, but there will also be anatomy scans done to confirm that the heart, brain, spine, etc is all forming correctly. 

Knowing that, I find myself in a constant state of prayer. Praying that everything is developing correctly and trying to trust that no matter what, this is what God has planned for us. 

I wish I could be this super Christian that could honestly say that I want whatever He gives us. 

But I would be lying. 

I want a perfect, ten finger and toes, squishy, Ryan's thick hair, little baby. And while I hate to admit this, God already knows my heart without even speaking any words. So I pray not just for our baby, but for me too. For my eyes and heart to be open to this life that was known long before Ryan and I were even married. For me to let go of my preconceived thoughts of what I think would be perfect and to realize that maybe I don't always know what's best for me. 

I don't say this because I think that anything is wrong, in fact, I trust and know that tomorrow will be an exciting day filled with news of a healthy, growing baby. Sometimes I just feel the need to be real about things and since I don't keep a journal, this is the place. 

....and if any of my 3 readers see this tomorrow before 1:45 p.m., would you pray with me too?